So, while today is, ohhh day 5 in actuality, not having a computer at home has been a teeny tiny bump in the road. Oh well, at least I've gotten this far, no?
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for
I have decided (right now) that I am going to forgive myself for my failed marriage. I have gone over every scenario and every situation of the last five years, wondering where I went wrong, or what I could've (should've?) done different. I come to the same conclusion every time-although I played a role in the demise of my marriage, it was inevitable from day one.
No matter what I did, or didn't do for that matter, my marriage was doomed. I missed all the signs. Ok, ok, I didn't miss the signs...I ignored them. But this is about forgiving myself right? If I go through every situation again and again in my head, until I literally go insane, I will still end up in the same place as I am now. Nothing I say, do or don't do will change the outcome. And I am finally okay with that.
I need to forgive myself for putting my safety at risk. I need to forgive myself for hiding my voice, in order to let another be heard. I need to forgive myself for not loving myself, and for not putting myself first. I need to forgive myself for not respecting myself. For putting someone else's needs before my own. Above all, I need to forgive my self for the whole damned thing, in order to not feel ashamed, or feel like I need to rock a scarlet letter.
It's going to be a long road, a road full of tears, and 'why?''s, and many, many turns. I am really going to work on forgiving myself while making changes in myself so that I don't make the same mistakes again.
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